Dave Stultz is the work/life balance expert at Fearless, his background as an entrepreneur, professional photographer, and extreme sports athlete gives him a unique perspective of the world. From pro snowboard and rock climbing to motocross and rally car racing, Dave likes to take on challenges in the effort to live the life he always dreamed about. He hs a deep passion for radical self-responsibility and encouraging men to take steps toward their ultimate dream life. I had a chance to interview Dave about how men can get the most of out their lives and improve their confidence.
Michael Satterfield: Would you say that society and media are making an effort to redefine masculinity? Is that confusing a lot of guys?
Dave Stultz: Society is trying to solve for portions of gender norms that have been problematic and limiting for both men and women in the past, but that movement sometimes goes too far and promotes sameness and tries to squash the beauty of healthy polarity between masculinity and femininity (and a well-adjusted person has access to both their masculinity and femininity, by the way) rather than equality with diversity. It’s definitely confusing for men.
Michael Satterfield: The rise of the phrase “Toxic Masculinity” has been seen by many men as an attack on all men. What are your thoughts on the concept of “Toxic Masculinity?”
Dave Stultz: There is Toxic Masculinity and Toxic Femininity period, this isn’t just reserved for men. There is aggressive bro culture that has the raw masculine with no heart or feelings toward anyone or anything - mainly operating out of lust, anger or pride - which can be terrifying. In turn, women who use their sexuality to manipulate men get what they want operating in the same set of energies - lust, anger, and pride. Then there is the “Nice Guy” or “Nice Girl” who has a lot of heart and feeling but is extremely manipulative and filled with rage and anger when he/she doesn’t get what they want. There's a lot of shame around wants, needs, desires in life with the nice guy/girl group and they are usually very co-dependent. Both of these types of groups are extremely toxic to society and keep it from progressing to higher standards. As we move into true ladies and gentlemen, you will see almost no toxic culture. These people have done so much work on themselves that they are always about the win-win for everyone and not the win-lose; as previously stated in the two examples. We should all be aware of the toxic behaviors in ourselves, correct them, and also steer clear of others who have toxic behaviors (both men and women).
Michael Satterfield: Women tend to publicly say they want more sensitive men, but studies time and time again show us that women prefer masculine men? So how can guys overcome the pressure from the culture to mute masculinity?
Dave Stultz: Women want well-adjusted, masculine men who also have a heart and aren’t afraid of opening up or being vulnerable. They want a bad boy with a heart, a man that knows when to be a bad boy and when to be a gentleman. Own your masculine, build the confidence to be emotionally open and vulnerable with women and all people, and you’ll be fine. Don’t listen to or get wrapped up in the societal noise and drama.
Michael Satterfield: What do you think has lead to the rise of incel culture with so many young men? How do we change it?
Dave Stultz: Men not having strong, healthy masculine men and healthy relationship models in their lives growing up. Not knowing how to develop themselves as men and how to connect with women in a healthy, confident, truly connected way. There is no real right of passage into becoming a man theses days. Some small communities or tribes still have this initiation, but our society as a whole has nothing to offer there. So where do we separate the little boy from the man? Hence why we have so many man-children and men wrapped up in victim mentality. We change it by helping men learn how to connect, how to be real with themselves and women, how to own both their masculinity and femininity and how to look at themselves in the mirror and take responsibility for where they’re at in an empowering way.
Michael Satterfield: What should men be doing to increase confidence in their daily life?
Dave Stultz: Step into manageable amounts of tension on a daily basis, aka get outside your comfort zone. Stretch yourself and get comfortable being a little uncomfortable. If going up to that beautiful woman and telling her she’s beautiful is too high on the tension scale for you, can you go ask her a simple question - if she knows where Starbucks is, or where the restroom is. Try to really hold eye contact and feel the connection and your attraction for her. Then slowly amp things up. This can and should also be done throughout your life, not just with women but in business, sports, and with male friends. What can you do that’s a little outside your comfort zone? Then keep amping it up. And of course, get into a coaching program from The FEARLESS Man. Coaches show you where your confidence is lacking and how to change it internally so it shows up externally.
Michael Satterfield: Do you have any exercises to help guys overcome their fears? Be it talking to women? Asking for a raise? Or just speaking their mind?
Dave Stultz: A lot of this was answered in the last question but in terms of speaking your mind, that’s a very important skill for your confidence, social freedom, success, and overall quality of life. Try to make your growth and freedom more important than getting approval (or avoiding disapproval) from people. Your freedom and confidence IS in speaking your mind and letting go of the outcome. Start noticing where you’re filtering yourself or walking on eggshells to avoid rocking the boat and use those moments where you catch it to say what’s really on your mind. As long as you’re not abusing or harassing people - also check in with whether what you want to say is actually about your ego or trying to get a result out of someone, because then it’s manipulation.
All of us are born with two fears: the fear of loud noises and the fear of falling, so go skydiving, paragliding, or bungee jumping to get over the fear of falling. Go to a wild and very loud rock concert or club, let go, be wild, and enjoy the energy. Go to a shooting range, shoot different guns, feel the percussion and take in the incredible amount of concentration it takes to always be on target - this can decrease the fear of loud noises. Get comfortable with these two primal fears and you’re already ahead of the game.
Michael Satterfield: Name three books all men should read?
Dave Stultz: No More Mr. Nice Guy, The Alabaster Girl, Letting Go.
Follow Dave on Instagram @Dave_Stultz and davestultz.net
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